Is Home Where The Heart is?

Today´s episode delves into the "privileged" world of an International Family. But is it really always glamorous? Ginger Gerald suggests not! And how do you really maintain relationships with your, supposedly, nearest and dearest? 
If someone asks you where home is - what do you answer them? Do you just say that home is where the heart is? It seems an easy enough question - but it isn´t for everyone! Enjoy the listen and the debate!

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Transcript

Anyway, after last week´s emotional but fabulous return visit to México, where we explored what it feels like to go back to a place you used to live in many years earlier, today we´re going to follow that up by talking about International Families – What is one? How do you define that term? Is it a good or a bad thing or, more to the point, what are the advantages and disadvantages of being part of one – what feels good and what feels bad? And where really is home?

Firstly, you need to bear in mind that the concept of an “International Family” is totally alien to so many people (probably not to many of you, otherwise I guess you wouldn´t be listening in) and it´s a term that can be interpreted in a million different ways. 

For many people, if you were to say to them “oh yes, we are an International Family you know” – then at worst you are going to come across as a bit of a twat (which may or may not be a reasonable conclusion to draw) and at best you´ll come across as being a little aloof, as living a rather privileged lifestyle, maybe a tad glamourous and definitely considerably richer than the “average” family. And, yep, some, quite a lot of International Families may very well fit that description very nicely – but certainly not all of them and not all of the time. 

Perhaps the most obvious and common example of an “International Family” is one where one parent is from one country, and the other is from another. But they can only live in one place at a time so, by definition, at least one of them is living outside of their own assigned “home country” (if such a thing really exists). And the two of them will definitely have had different upbringings, in different cultures and with different influences, and quite possibly with different native languages too. That´s quite challenging enough for the two adults involved but if those adults then have children then the impact it has on them is huge. They are born into an “International Family” and are “International children” whether they like it or not - and that doesn´t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that they are automatically privileged or rich or snooty or that they live a glamourous lifestyle – although, yes, they may travel rather more than the average person and they may even flip backwards and forwards between languages depending where they are or who they are speaking to, but that´s just being “international” isn´t it? 

A second example of an International Family is where a couple, or a family where they all have the same nationality, either choose to move to another country, for whatever reason (often for work, but not always) or are obliged to move to another place – maybe for their own safety or protection. Does that make them privileged? Well, in the case of people fleeing from warzones or famine or persecution of whatever sort, then I would say the complete opposite – but that´s a deep and much heavier topic maybe for another time or another podcast. 

In the case of Ginger Gerald & family – well, our move overseas was most certainly a choice. Admittedly it was driven by redundancy and the need to get another job, but the decision was also influenced by the fact that both of us had spent many years living overseas at different times and in different places previously, so moving abroad  wasn´t quite such a novelty to us. Although doing it with a family was definitely a new and slightly scary step.

So if being an International family isn´t all glamour and privilege, as some may assume, then what is it that makes it difficult or challenging?

For me the obvious answer to that question is distance. As an International person or family, you´re always a long way from someone else in your family – and that might be a parent, a grandparent, a child, a grandchild, a sibling. Not to mention a close friend. You can´t just arrange to pop down to the pub with them, or go round for lunch; cousins can´t play footy together or go to the same youth club, and family members can´t babysit for you or take the kids to school or to the playground or all those million and one things which “normal” (ie non International) families, do all of the time. All those daily and constant interactions which create and strengthen bonds between one family member and another are just not there if you are a flight away from each other – and, very often, in a different time zone too.  Communication is a lot easier now than it used to be, of course, whatsapp, facetime, zoom and all the rest  – you no longer have to stick a stamp on a letter or postcard and hope it arrives or make a long distance phone call. At least you can see each other´s faces and feel a little bit more like you belong – but for all the hype that surrounds these great new communication tools, it´s just not a patch on being there in person is it? Virtual hugs just don´t cut the mustard!

And what if the person from whom you are distant is elderly, unwell, maybe unable to make or take calls using the “new” technologies? Then it´s practically impossible for you to be a routine part of their lives, or to care for them or even share the caring for them, unless you´re in a position where you can drop everything and head off to spend extended periods of time with them – which not everyone can. And if you do jump on a plane to be there to help a relative in need, and to be a part of their life – then you have, at least temporarily, walked out of someone else´s life! It´s a tricky and vicious circle and doesn´t really have a perfect solution. And this type of scenario leads inevitably to a feeling of guilt; guilt for taking children away from grandparents; guilt for not being present to help an elderly parent or grandparent; guilt for relying on other relatives or friends to help as you´re not there. 

This is a bit of a grim theme I´ve touched on here - but a very, very real one and very much the dark and less obvious side of being an “International Family”.

So, changing the theme and lightening things yup a bit - we very often get asked “So, where are you from then?” or, the more difficult question “Where do you call home?” – how do you respond to those questions when you are “International”?  

For me personally, the first question´s very easy. I´m from Stoke on Trent. I have no doubt about that. It´s where I was born, brought up and lived until I was 18 – and if any further proof was needed I have always been and will always remain a Stoke City supporter – and very, very few people who are not from Stoke support Stoke. And my wife T would also find the first question fairly straightforward – maybe a little less than me as she moved from Wales to England at an early age but still not tricky to explain and to be understood.

But if someone asks my son, for eg, where he´s from, what does he say? “Well I was born in England but I can´t remember living there. I went to Primary school in Mexico. I went to Secondary school in Spain and now I´m at Uni in Wales”. So what´s the correct answer? The easy answer is “Brighton. I´m from Brighton”. But then the follow-up questions roll in “oh, nice place Brighton, I know it well,  did you used to go to this place, or that place, did you hang out here or there?” to which the answer is “No. I´ve no clue what you are talking about.” Then you sound a bit dumb – or just plain weird. So the other option he has is to go into a detailed chronological explanation of his life up to this point- which tends to get either a blank face or a response of “you lucky barstard!” – and then turn the question around and ask “so where would you say I´m from?” 

And as for the 2nd question – “where is home?” Well, if you´re one of those International type people I´ve been describing, then chances are your typical, smooth and clichéd answer is likely to be: “Home is where the heart is”. So where´s your heart then? Mmmmmm, well, some of it´s in the UK, some in México, some in Spain, some with my kids who are here, there and everywhere…so what does that easy and handy little phrase really mean?  

If I´d been asked “so where´s home for you” (which I am sure I was) back in my Holiday Repping days in the early 90´s, then I probably would´ve  answered “well, right now I don´t really have a home, but I´m sure I will have one one day”. Maybe my “·home” was really the lifestyle or the repping community that I belonged to for I guess about 7 years or so. For those who´ve been a Holiday Rep – would you agree with that? Until you get more into the echelons of Management, you never know when you are going to get moved from one place to another – so you can´t really call anywhere home. I did seasons in the French & Swiss Alps and Corsica and then Tunisia – but I wouldn´t and didn´t ever call any of them home. In fact the first time I went to live in Cancún it wasn´t “home” either – but a few years later, the 2nd time around, it did become home! Maybe “home” shouldn´t be defined as a place or a postcode or a building. But if someone asked me if I´d ever been “homeless” then (fortunately for me) I would have to say NO. So for years I had no home but I wasn´t homeless! Well, I definitely had somewhere to sleep, call my own (albeit temporarily), be warm, safe and eat. 

When people go off to College or University, does that become their home? Or do students refer to “home” as the home they were brought up in? And then what happens if their parents move house – then where does the student call home? It´s all very complicated – and even moreso for us Internationals.   

Here´s another scenario to consider: budding pro tennis players, usually in their 20´s but maybe 30´s too, have to travel non stop, all across the globe just to compete, to get points to win the right to enter the elite pro tour. Some spend years and years doing this – which incidentally costs a fortune and is often just not possible without very well off benefactors or some other passive income source – and very, very many, the vast majority, don´t make it all the way. Where feels like home for them? Very many of them would be classed as “International”, many will have attended academies in various parts of the World but is that home? 

And here´s a good one to consider – what about people who live in their Motorhome? This is a growing community, folks, there´s an ever increasing number of people living in their VW camper vans with flip tops, their big white boxes or their super deluxe coaches with “sliders”. If someone ask this passionate community where they call home – they will definitely say “wherever my van takes me”! 

Home for some people is more of a destination than a specific place at a given point in time, or even a journey. In the wild, animals often find their way back to their birthplace (their original home) to die – maybe some of us International folk are the same and that “home” is actually where we eventually go back to or end up! 

So next time you ask someone, just as a conversation starter or to pass the time of day, “where´s home?” make sure you´ve got a bit of time to listen to the understand the answer – because if you end up asking some International type you might be there all day! 

And speaking of home….it´s about time I got myself round to doing a few home tasks! It´s getting on for Xmas so next week on Ginger Gerald you lucky barstard we´ll be talking about Christmas Overseas. How and when do you celebrate it – what makes it different from being at home – what are the traditions and what makes you happy or sad. And, of course, we´ll be sharing a few funny stories of things that have happened around that time of year in different places over the years.

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Thanks folks and remember, next week will be feeling a lot like Christmas!!